I am currently sitting in my bed just feeling frustrated with myself about being so bad at math. It is the one thing, holding me back from going to college. is the fact that I really struggle in math. I can't let this stop me, I need to get my head out of the negative and really focus on what I can do to get better at my math education. I am striving to be a teacher, and wanting to work and teach kids, but the thing holding me back is that I am terrible at math. That;s the thing though, I want to teach. I love kids, i want to help children, and be an example and light in their lives in the classrooms. I want to be more than a teacher, i want to be a role model and truly be there for my students. School is coming up and I have minimal time to decide but something tells me to stick it out and keep going at it. I rather go through a rough couple of years than work a job I hate everyday. I really need to just be more positive and really work towards my goal. I love blogging and expressing my emotions here right now, I am working on keeping my problems on my blog or to myself and closer friends, I want to express how I feel through my writing and exactly how I feel in the moment. I am taking a fast from social media and unplugging from what everybody else is doing. I have definitely noticed a big change in my mindset and the way I am acting the past couple days of being off social media. I am writing all over the place right now but that is okay with me, because it is really helping me vent and be real. Anyways, that was my vent session. I am done here, I don't need to have my life figured out. I need to take things one step at a time and chill out a bit.
It's Monday morning, snowing hard and my sisters are at school. All I can think about is getting back on the mountain. I love being able to tighten up my ski boots, put on my ski jacket and snowpants, and catch the shuttle over to the slopes. I am itchin to get back on the mountain, the cold breeze hovering my face, my hands are going numb already, It's an inversion today, and the air is warmer up top and colder at bottom. I hop on the Gondola, and feel this warm feeling in my heart because I have been waiting for this moment to myself. The people sitting next to me seem to be really nice and are enjoying the view just as much as I am. I look up through the window and see the trees covered in snow and every gondola passing by. As soon as I get off, I grab my skis and poles and head over to the ski area. I buckle in my boots, attach my gogggles to my face and see my breath in front of me. I start skiing down, and I notice this lift, like all of this weight coming off my shoulders. I feel at peace, and this feeling of happiness because I am doing what I love most. I plug in my headphones, and ski to the beat of my music. Solitude fills the air, my legs feel stronger than ever, and everybody in front of me is skiing away. I love the feeling that skiing brings, it's therapeutic and takes extra tension out of my life. I love getting in as many runs as I can and then heading back to the restaurant and sitting down and enjoying some warm food, and taking off my gear. Nobody likes sitting around in ski boots, and wet gloves. As the day goes on, it seems to be less crowded and the mountain is about to close. I am sad that the day is over, but I look forward to another ski day.
Sitting here, drinking a hot cup of my favorite tea, in the midst of December. It feels good to be home, but it feels different. People treat me differently, and things aren't the same anymore. I am learning to refall in love with this town as a new person mentally and physically. Growing up in this town was tough, covered by mountains, heavy winters, tourist from all over the world, with plenty of skiing and hiking, and you'd think it's the perfect place to live. No matter where you live though, there's always gonna be flaws. I had a hard time with people, myself, feeling alone often. As soon as I graduated I was ready for change. I grew up feeling like I needed to have it "together." I felt like I needed to be good enough. I felt like I needed to be like everybody else. I sat in the classroom building of high school thinking this is it, this is reality. I let people get into my head and make me think I was never good enough because I did not accept myself. I spent numerous amounts of time on social media. But did I mention that it's a phase of life and everybody goes through something of their own. Change, it's funny how change works. Leaving home and depending on nobody but myself brought nothing but perspective. Learning to say no, choosing my friends, bettering my health, and mindset. I had to learn on my own. I have been able to start over and gain much more confidence and peace towards my life than any instagram like or compliment from someone could. Letting go of toxic friendships, and gaining new ones. Appreciating a small circle of friends rather than a large amount of people that don't care about me, distancing myself from negativity, being more genuine towards myself and others, making my own choices for once, logging off social media and being more present. All these little things, add up. This world is so consumed around looks, certain body types, and validations from others. Which is exactly how I saw life. But as I have gotten older, I have started to realize that acceptance should not come from anybody else but yourself. You alone deal with those hard nights, all the pain, anxiety, and depression that builds up. It's something we all have to go through, but you grow and heal on your own time and only become a better version of yourself. Every downfall we encounter may feel like the world is collapsing in the moment and nothing will be the same. And this is true, nothing stays the same. Every flaw, every tear, insecurity, mistake, all make you this unique person nobody else can be. We wonder why people change. I can only say why I changed. It just happens naturally with time and growth. I was unhappy with myself for so long. Looked for validation from others for so long. Brought others down because I was not okay with myself and so on. Everybody changes for different reasons. Just like life happens, relationships end, high school is over, jobs end, seasons change. May seem like the end but the beauty of these things, is something good comes out of each. People bloom, some later than others. All on our own time, so pace yourself and don't rush. You have to live with yourself everyday, so be who you want to be. Not the person others want you to be. Is it worth the trials and error? That's up for you to decide. Nobody can make choices for you. We all have bad days, crave acceptance, get into our own heads, but remember life is constantly changing, and so are you. We have to learn to be okay with being comfortable with being uncomfortable. We have to learn to be okay with change, I know I am learning. Let yourself take a step back, and let yourself just be. You don't need to worry about other people, or worry about having your life together, That's a battle between you and yourself. Let's be honest, nobody has this whole thing we call "life" figured out. Be a lost soul, and embrace the unknown that life will bring.